I grew up in a loving household, in a good neighborhood, and went to good public schools. Despite this, as an adolescent girl, I became quickly and keenly aware that part of being female was being prey to boys and men.
I went to middle school in the late 70’s. Like many teens, I had an ugly duckling/swan transformation. As a 7th grader, I was considered to be rather homely. Boys fake-flirted with me to humiliate me. They treated me like I was stupid. By 8th grade, I had undergone a bunch of pubertal changes, lost weight, grew several inches, and got fashionable. But it didn’t matter whether I was pretty or not. That school was an incredibly humiliating place for a girl. Walking the hallways was like running a gauntlet because boys hands would be groping everywhere and I mean everywhere in what seemed to be full view of teachers. Not one of the adults did a damn thing about it.
The summer after 8th grade, we went to a Seafair (Seattle’s summer-long festival) parade. One of the Seafair clowns, a GROWN ASS MAN, picked me out of the crowd (did I mention I had just finished the 8th grade?) and gave me a sloppy kiss full on the lips. I tried to make a joke to regain my footing and recover from the confusion and humiliation. He made some mildly sexual comment. That was my first kiss, by the way.
When I was a high school freshman, I often walked the mile between my bus stop and home by myself. There were other kids in the neighborhood so I don’t know exactly why I walked alone so frequently, but I did. On more than one occasion, a car would pass, come to a halt in front of me, and open the door to the passenger side of the car. They were strange men waiting for me to get into their cars with them like this would be something I would want to do. I would freeze and I remember being afraid to walk past that open door. After a bit the door would close and the car would drive off.
When I was in the 10th grade my history teacher, who was at the time THE SAME AGE AS MY FATHER, engaged in some super creepy behavior with me. Whenever we had independent work time, he would sit on top of the desk in front of me and stare at me. Occasionally, he would try to start up a conversation. I hate to be crass but feel compelled to point out that when he was seated this way, his crotch was right at my eye level. I argued with him about one of my grades once and he looked a little desperate, as if he were somehow losing me. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me that he loved me. I told two teachers and a guidance counselor about this. I was told that I had misunderstood what was fatherly concern. My peers teased me and told me that I thought everyone was in love with me. I felt ashamed and didn’t tell my mother about this or any of the other middle school and high school incidents. I would learn later in my life that my mother would have likely kicked some ass and taken names on my behalf. That’s because my mom did kick ass and take names on my behalf but that’s an incident that I’d rather keep private at this time in my life.
These events were creepy and felt clearly wrong to me. But there were many other experiences with peers that were far more confusing. Some of my male peers could be disgusting one moment and sweet another moment. I dated very little in high school but I did have one little “fling” at music camp when I was 15 years old. The boy was smart, funny, and at times, sweet. At one point he characterized the appearance of my legs as “good for spreading.” I can’t remember the context of this comment except that there were other kids around when he said it. I made out with him anyway, in the kind of barely PG-rated way that a 15 year-old girl “good Catholic girl” would do.
This is the world of females, when being sexually desired is mixed with degradation. And I would clarify that it is the world of straight females but even non-heterosexual girls and women are subjected to expectation from many boys and men that they exist for male pleasure and domination. What a way to tarnish healthy sexual development. What a way to make it feel wrong and dirty.
Why do I tell you about my life experience? Is it because it is so unusual? No, I describe my experiences because I think they are close to the typical female experience. Actually, my experiences may arguably be better than the typical female experience. Tellingly, I took myself off of the dating market until college by having crushes on boys so shy they’d never ask me out or boys who I would later learn, were gay. And I went to a high school where being a smart, outspoken girl meant a death knell to dating. I kept my head in the books. I decided when I was 12 years old that I wanted to get a Ph.D. I was lucky enough to have academic skills and support that I could leverage, to build this future for myself.
Last week, I learned that Larry Flynt and his “gentleman’s club” put on an event called “Flight of the Ta-Tas”, a topless skydiving event to benefit Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC), an organization devoted to women and men who have had breast cancer and later developed metastatic cancer. As it turns out, LBBC’s logo was used to promote the event without their permission. They did not sponsor the event. To read more about this, Knot Telling wrote an excellent series of posts about it as well as communicating directly with LBBC about it.
But let’s back up a second to Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler Magazine. The first time I learned about this magazine was when I saw this 1978 cover.
But look at Larry Flynt’s quote on the side, “We will no longer hang women up like pieces of meat.”
Oh wow, Larry Flynt was speaking up for women. He was trying to help! You buying this because I’m sure not. When one looks at the context of this statement, the context of all of the degrading photos of women in Hustler not to mention the juxtaposition of this quote with an image of a woman in a meat grinder, the real message is as clear as day.
Sexism has long been protected by ignoring context. That is why I’ve told you about aspects of my life. And no, not all males are exploitative of women. And not all women allow themselves to be exploited. I am talking about culture, the group. And as a group, girls and women are subjected to sexism and it hurts.
Yes, I can see a specific instance where going topless skydiving might be a positive experience. But done within the context of the sexism that pervades our culture as well as the culture that trivializes and sexualizes breast cancer because it involves “boobs”, “The Flight of the Ta-Ta’s” does more harm to women and girls than it does to help by raising money for a worthwhile cause. A lot of people may think that I’m making too much out of this, wasting my time and energy. I mean LBBC would get a big check if they chose to accept it, right? Let me ask you this. Would the same rationale apply to a black face/minstrel show to raise money for the NAACP?
Larry Flynt, I’m not taking the candy you offer me to get into your car. Keep your money. We aren’t going to sell ourselves, other women, or our daughters.
The pain is palpable, as is the growth. Thank you for letting us into your life and putting FOTT into both a personal and a cultural context: “Larry Flynt, I’m not taking the candy you offer me to get into your car.”
Exactly.
Thank you for this excellent post.
Yes, Larry can keep his candy and all that he stands for.
Excellent post… I wish I could have read it when I was in junior high school when I had my own experiences with groping, cat calls, and inappropriate behavior by adult men. My boys are aghast when I tell them about some of the things that were “acceptable” back in the 70s. It’s too bad so much of it still goes on today.
Robin, I am so glad that Michael and Nate are aghast. You’ve done a great job raising them to be good and kind men.
Take power back! I love this posting. I do not think you overstate the risk. I follow the blog NO MORE SHAME that every day posts several stories about pedophiles getting arrested, tried, and sentenced. I cannot bear to read the stories, but it reminds me every day about the exploitation of young people. Did you see the PBS/Frontline documentary Rape in the Fields about how immigrants and migrants have been raped by supervisors in agricultural settings as a condition of employment? When the women got the courage to complain they were deported. Human trafficking remains a huge problem, belying our claims that we have put slavery behind us as a nation in the US.
I have my own unpleasant memories of young men and their inappropriate attitudes toward women and sexuality. Like you, I will have to think over what I experienced to decide whether there’s anything relevant to share.
I do not have any children, but I teach college and law school classes and have spoken with several former students who have had to deal with inappropriate and injurious sexual behavior. I have female friends who are raising children and several of those children have been assaulted. I recently stopped and pointed out to a class that was more than 90% male how an ungraded class exercise in negotiation turned very unpleasant for a female student. I described to them how the exercise turned out differently every time a male played the role in question. I asked them to consider the negative “energy” they directed at a person for her gender and how one person’s articulation of that energy seemed to open the door for a very negative “pack” reaction.
Young men and women need help from their parents negotiating their way through these issues.
The misogyny in our society is in some ways worse than it was when I was a teen. Back when I was a teen there were taboos. I think the only one left today seems to be pedophilia. Now you can gain access to all manner of sexual material without leaving your home.
We still hear sociologists saying that research about the negative effects of pornography on our society is inconclusive or incomplete–how can that be? http://departments.columbian.gwu.edu/sociology/sites/default/files/u10/Weitzer%20porn%20review.pdf. Some talk about the fact that current adult movies show increasing violence against women and that some porn stars describe stage direction that scared them because of the violence. The movie Avatar with its life-like depiction of animated characters makes it more likely that we will have to contend with the effects of technology that will allow people to order up females, males, and children for programmed sex in a manner similar to what we see now with gun and other battle simulation. Some people will find it even easier to detach emotionally from the consequences of their own sexual violence.
The indifference to how “sex” and “adult sexual content” express anger towards others is a problem that is not going away. Have you seen the recent Liquid-Plumr ad with the suggestive setting in which plumbers show up for some double action on a clogged drain with music in the background that seems suggestive we are watching a pornographic film instead of a commercial? Did anyone else think Charmin Ultra went too far when a daddy bear told his daughter bear how much toilet paper was too much? I wrote them a letter. I thought the commercial was inappropriate use of power involving a young female’s bodily functions.
The sexualizing of breast cancer causes is deplorable. It is part of a much deeper problem in our society. That problem worries me deeply. Thanks Elizabeth and thanks to Knot Telling for getting these issues on the table for discussion.
I haven’t seen any of those television shows or commercials. So sad.
Cheryl, I don’t know about sociology, but the American Psychological Association wrote a report on the sexualization of girls, which discusses pornography. http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report-full.pdf
I’m sorry that this post resounded with your own direct experiences and observations. I am so glad that you read it and that you found it helpful.
Oh my gosh! You could’ve been talking about my experiences, although they were not exactly the same. They were similar. Thank you for writing this very truthful, courageous post. Today, I happened to see mugs with breasts on them for sale at a Miami store that said something derogatory about women.
It is the culture. Our culture has a long way to go to get away from degrading women.
I’m sorry that this is such a universal problem. Thank you so much for reading the post and for sharing it on Facebook. Since my teen daughter is on Facebook and I try to keep some privacy for my blog, I did not comment on your share.
Yes, our culture has a long way to go. Women have made great gains in areas like education but the sexualization of women in the age of electronic media seems worse than ever.
I know you are a mom to a daughter, too. We can keep on being strong role models for fairness, respecting others, and being active members of our communities.
This does seem to be a universal issue Elizabeth and one that despite years of “equal opportunity” has failed to diminish whether at school, outside in the street or at work. Sadly there are still heathens in the world
Yes, it is very sad. We will keep fighting for fairness.
Great post! You are my hero!
Awww, thanks so much! And thanks for reading!
I do think it’s a universal problem, or nearly so. As a teen girl I felt smart and strong enough to handle myself in those types of situations with boys and men. What I couldn’t know without more life experience, which for better or worse I did get, was that I’d only been able to “handle” such things because, thank god, they hadn’t been worse. And of the things that happened that I would never have thought to tell my parents or other trusted adults (thinking of different adults-in-charge behaviors that weren’t directed at me but that we kids saw and just kind of said “Yuck” about) — well, my adult self has at times been haunted by what must have been going on that we didn’t see.
There was a kid down the street with severe aggressive behavior problems. His step-father used to punish him on a regular basis by throwing rocks at him in the driveway, in front of the house. No one called CPS. That haunts me, too. I remind myself that I was a kid at the time. That helps some. We can’t change the past but we can do what we can now. And you, Lisa have contributed a great deal in your work on school harassment and bullying.
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This is so well written, excellent, still it makes me sick to hear all the abuse you suffered.
Love and prayers to you and all who suffered from the ignorance of some men.
Thank you, Mom. I know that you suffered abuse and harassment, too, but as a mom, it is more painful to think about the suffering of your children.
This is so true.
I feel as if I failed as a mom.
That is just a feeling. It is not reality!